Day 17 ~ Doing The Right Thing !!

I started my day on a good note, and not only that but I decided that I only wanted positive things in my life today.  I am juggling so many balls which are bouncing around in my life right now, that I needed to step away!

 by Federico Stevanin

Soooo... I got out of bed and I literally did the wet dog shake! Okay, all better now! (as if that's all it takes - Regardless... I was going to give it the "ol' college try!")  So YES, that's all it took... and off I went to face my day laughing my butt off!

As my day went on, there was a time today I found myself lost in thought and ended up having a moment of self-evaluation of how I was handling this Merit Velasco situation, including the direction that my blog has taken in the last week... 

My blog is meant for me to write about who I am, the roads I have traveled and the tribulations I have had to face... Why?  Well I want all my children to know the paths I have taken which have led me to where I am today.  I do not want them to have any doubts about me, who I am or why I was the way I was. 

I am not saying that I have those doubts about, say my father for instance, because I don't.  However, he felt differently.  My father himself, felt slighted, and was left with unanswered questions which his mother took to her grave with her, and affected him for the next fourteen years until the day he died.

Since I mentioned my father... I know I have unloaded some harsh and possibly unbelievable things about him, nonetheless it is the truth.  I did not write about our relationship to hurt him or disrespect his memory in any way.  He was very aware of his mistreatment of me, and apologized for it [literally] five days before he passed (it was the one and only time he had ever apologized to me.)  Regardless of his behavior, he was my father, and I love and miss my daddy.  

I wrote [and will write] about my feelings of my experiences as a process of healing and to let my children know of that part of my history.  Not to hurt or disrespect anyone.

I don't want you to think that something has occurred or that anyone has said anything to me regarding the content of my blog... because they haven't.  As a matter of fact, my entire family is aware and very supportive of my blogging.  I just wanted to make all of this perfectly clear so there aren't any misunderstandings, and more so because of recent day's events.

After some thought and reassurance, I have decided to add scripture to my blog.  I would like to end my blog on a positive note and continue my spiritual growth with Jesus.  I went onto the internet on one of my favorite sites... www.biblegateway.com/   (This is a wonderful site for looking up bible scriptures.)  

When I first opened the website and saw the scripture of the day, I was blown away!!   Before I share it with you let me share some thoughts with you first.  Once again. please bare with me, it will all make sense in the end.

As I mentioned I have been doing some self-evaluating and I asked myself the following questions...  

• Am I being vengeful?  No.  All I am trying to do is get back what is rightfully mine.
• Should I just drop it and go back to MY life?  After some thought this is an experience, and a bad one at that, that is part of my life, what I have gone through.  But do I drop it?  As I have already said, if I drop this it will send a negative message to Merit and Marylou allowing them to think that they got away with taking someone else's possession, concluding that they can do whatever they want to whom ever they want to and get away with it.  Therefore, I can comfortably say that my answer remains no, I will not drop this.    
•  Am I being hateful?  No I am not.  Honestly I do not hate Merit and Marylou.  I feel sadness and I feel sorry for them both.  These girls are basically my sons ages, and just as I would not allow for them do something like this to someone else- stranger or not, I will not allow them.  I sincerely hope that I can teach them a valuable lesson that will make them better people.  I would hate for them to end up in jail, junkies or worse yet - uneducated.  As a matter of fact I think it would be awesome to make a difference in their lives so much so that it would turn their lives around.  It would be really cool!

After my self-evaluation and prayer, I felt reassured and I believe very strongly that I am doing the right thing.  After all, I would never allow any of my children to do something so disrespectful not only to themselves, but towards their family and friends too.

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD."            Leviticus 19:18 NIV

 Blessings to all!

348 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 7 ~ Filled A Balloon... and I Let it Go!!

When I woke up this morning I had goals.  After all it was Day 7.. my first week of blogging! My desire was that Calley and I get our chores done early after breakfast, then have lunch, I could research whilst she napped and when she woke we would play with clay again.  I almost had every minute of the day planned.  Boy, was I set straight! 

For some reason I feel as if I took a step back today.  Nothing with Calley was going my way.  At one point my little four year old sassed me as if she was thirteen and I - I felt so defeated.  I went to pour myself a glass of lemonade, and the next thing I knew, I was thinking about how I always felt like "odd man out" or the "third wheel" all throughout school.  

Fame by David Bowie was the number one song playing on am radio (yes, "am" I think it was KJR am) in September of 1975 when I had started 7th grade.  The dust was settling after the four-year court battle my father had put my mother through.  I remember it being a big deal because my father kept telling us that he had been the thirteenth man in the state of California that had won sole custody of his children.  I'll all say about it right now is that he did whatever it took to get us from my mother, and was not nice about it.  Even if it meant marrying a former call girl to do so.

Then the "bomb" was dropped!  We were moving to the San Fernando Valley.  Oh sure it was beautiful there, orange groves for miles. "My" dilemma was that we would be moving during Christmas break, and I would start at my new school in January.  As if it wasn't bad enough moving, AGAIN, but in the middle of the school year!  As a matter of fact, by the time I started high school, I had gone to thirteen different schools.  Yes, thirteen!  Always the new girl.  Heck, by the time I finally made a friend, [because it didn't help that I had an Italian name and spoke Spanish,] we were moving again.

The first time we moved I remember feeling alone, not having a single friend.  It wasn't easy making friends where friendships were already established.  And we all know that kids aren't the nicest of the human species.. they can be downright mean!  If it wasn't my weight, it was that I was shy or my clothes, etc..  

The teasing and bullying got worse as I got older.  Especially this one girl, she tortured me every chance she got from the time I arrived in 7th grade, all the way through the last day of 9th grade.  My self-esteem did not exist by the time she was done.  For the first time in my life, I was grateful I was going to a new school in the fall... high school.  

courtesy of Bing images

When I realized I had zoned out right in the middle of this argument with my four year old, and re-lived the anxiety I felt in school, I could not allow myself to go back there anymore.  That was a long, long time ago, and there are better times to think about.  Then something my sister-in-law said to me yesterday clicked!  "...put it in a balloon and let it go... no need to think about it again..."

So, those bad times I went through.  Times I walked onto a new school campus not knowing a soul, the stares I would get or the horrible things that were said to me.  The anxiety of trying to fit in, not being one of the "popular" girls in the "cool" click or better yet being ridiculed by one of them.  Or just simply not having had a "best friends" for years.  The times I felt so alone... 

I just put it all in a balloon and I let it go!  

Blessings to all!!

358 days / 51 weeks to go.


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 5 ~ Life... It "Changes" You.

When I went to bed last night, I can honestly say that I felt great.  I had finished writing my "Day 4" entry with fourteen minutes left to the day.  I made it in time...~ by midnight!! It was such a big accomplishment and I felt great about it.  I had gotten a lot of my feelings out, and even though I had tears in my eyes for most of it, the dreaded re-living of the past felt ok.  It was as if I had gone to the top of the tallest mountain (with a twirly skirt on) and screamed it all out.  

This morning when I woke I wanted it to be a positive day, and it was until someone rained on my parade and reminded me how negative I was.  I didn't argue or get mad.  As a matter of fact I agreed.  

Well, let me just say that when even the only two people in the entire world that you are "suppose to trust" in your life (your parents) do not keep you safe nor put you first in their lives as a "child"... well let's just say that it changes you.

Then you marry a man that you think will always keep you safe and your suppose to "live happily ever after" with, and he turns out to be the person who constantly cheats on you, is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, pushes you around, alienates you from your friends, tries to do the same with your family and then accomplishes it with your children... well let's just say that it changes you.

courtesy of Bing images

You fight for your own happiness because it is obvious to you that if you don't, no one else will.  You fight to have your children, only to find out that the man you once married concocts up a story with his "new wife" that I "inappropriately" touched my innocent little three year old little boy, and then they put my three year old and six and a half year old little boys in positions to lie to people of authority about their mother... well let's just say that it changes you. 

I know that life is not perfect, and Lord knows that neither am I.  I take responsibility for my own actions, as well as the fact that I completely ignored the "red" flags. Did I deserve any of this?  I don't know.  But I will tell you what I do know... I know that my boys did not deserve to be played as "pawns" in a divorce/custody battle, nor to have their mother torn apart before their eyes and taken from them.  Divorce... well let's just say it changes you. 

Blessings to all!

360 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.