Day 453 ~ My Dreaded Little Secret...

The first time it happened I had been invited to happy hour with a friend ... when I had accepted the invite I was so gun-ho, and could not wait. 

As the day approached, I started wondering where I was going to get the money.  When I accepted the invite I figured I could afford it.  Honestly, I had even wondered if when my friend invited me if she had "invited" me or we were going to meet up and pay for our perspective tabs.

I can not tell you enough how much I hate that feeling.  Not being able to afford a simple invite... a coffee with a friend... or a cocktail at Happy Hour.  Let alone a present for a special someone's birthday... or return a kind gesture to a friend.

Needless to say, as each day got closer, my stomach started to get tight, get tense and knot up.

What did I do?  The "Friday" finally arrived... I called my friend and cancelled.  I told her I was not feeling well.

Over the summer Calley was invited to her "bestest" little friend's (and her sister's) birthday party. Although a year and a couple of months apart, her friends' parents decided to celebrate both girls birthday together.

Only problem was that it was hard enough {in our budget} for us to buy a gift for some"one", but two?  Now-a-days you can not buy a child a reasonable gift under $20-30 without it falling apart or looking cheap.

As the weeks went by and the days approached to Calley's friends' party... again my stomach started to get tight, get tense and knot up.

What do I do?  Do I let them know?  Do we show up without gifts?  Do I risk people looking at us a certain way and take a chance of Calley not being invited to parties in the future?  What a dilemma!  

What did I do?  Well, the ten days leading up to the party Calley was having "issues".  We were put in a position to tell her if she did not behave she was not going to go to her friends' party.

She didn't make the grade.

A couple of days after the party I received a text from her friends' mom... she was wondering if we were okay and if anything happened... they missed us there.  I went as far as asking when I could call and talk so that I may explain what happened... preparing myself to tell "mom" the truth.

I didn't make the call, but "mom" never text me back to let me know when I could call either.

A few weeks ago I met this really great gal at the "Y"... Calley and her children were in swimming lessons together.  

We hit it off!  She was and is an amazing gal- she's a retired Officer from the Navy, served for fifteen years.  Really impressive!! 

She invited Calley to her son's birthday party this past weekend {at a local family fun arcade/park} and then invited me to a girl's night out.

Well... knowing that our budget was very tight I hesitantly accepted the invite... sure I could have said we were busy... but I stumbled over my thoughts and words, and before I knew it I was saying how great it all sounded.

Honestly... I was somewhat hoping that I could confide in her my dreaded little secret...

... We're broke!

It didn't use to be this way.

It's been a "long row to hoe" for us ... trying to get back on our feet these past four years... and it has not been for a lack of effort either!

My husband works very hard at his job... and after he puts in 8 hours in a day there, he then is helping his parents with any repairs they need and trying to get a business with his brother off the ground.  He has at least twelve hour work days.

So... It's not for a lack of trying.

So tell me... what would you do?

For the most part people who are close to us know our predicament... so ... then end result... we don't get invited to many places... or ... the tab is paid for us.  Not a great feeling.  Not at all.  We're very grateful... but I would rather have money in my pockets and get treated out, than lint in them and get invited.  

Pride?  I don't know if it's pride... but it is a little embarrassing or sad having to explain how Dino lost his "great paying" job four years ago. 

However... I am the first to invite family and friends over to our house [in lieu of] and I will cook up a storm for them.  Somehow we can afford that.  Go figure.  Big smile.

I just don't want people to feel sorry for us.  I want to work as a team with people- anything to help... however I do not want them to pity us.

I don't want people to feel sorry for Calley either.  We do provide for her.  We have a sturdy roof over our heads, our utilities all paid, and even can pay for cable.

Calley's tummy is full... and we have manged to put together a beautiful bedroom for her with a closet full of beautiful dresses.

We cook a lot... we do a lot for our church together... and we do a lot for in-laws and spend a lot of time with them as well.  Not to mention that parks and sunsets are free.

So... do you tell people you can not afford to go?  Do you graciously decline and make up an excuse, tell them you're busy that night?  Do you get a "headache" at the last minute? OR...

Do you tell them your dreaded little secret... your budget will not allow for the expense... you're broke?

Tell me... what do you or would you tell them?  What would you like for me to tell you?  The truth?  Do I risk it?  Will you look at us differently?  

But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ~ 1 Timothy 6:8 (NIV)

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

I am second..

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 344 ~ This Is Why I Share My Life...

I would like to start off by saying that by no means, by my sharing my "story", my feelings, thoughts and experiences, am I doing so to have people feel sorry for me.  I am not insinuating that anyone has either.  wink, wink.

My feelings and what I go through is due to things that were set in motion many years ago, by choices I made.  This is why we should not take having children lightly... meaning think things through... plan them out before you carry your decisions out.

I am not saying that I regret any of my decisions... I am saying I would have handle things a little bit different.  Bite the bullet so to speak.

I've shared with you before, and it is also on my "About my Blog" page, I share all of me for when the day comes that my sons or daughter, family or friends, want to know me a little more or are trying to understand why I tick the way I do... well here's my handbook!  Hahaha!

Yeah! I'm so complicated that I need a handbook!  Hysterical!  I never thought about it that way. Hahaha  still can't stop laughing...

No... but seriously... I just wanted to leave my kids "my side of the story"... for whenever they were ready to learn about me.

Also... If I can help someone feel less alone... if my experiences help them in any way... or if they need a friend... well I sincerely hope I can help.  I felt so alone going through a lot of my life, especially with my parents not really being around.  

I won't lie to you... I am still picking myself up from my "down time" hahaha - that's a new way of looking at it.  and it is not easy... but I am doing it.

I am not claiming that I am some super hero, although I have been told most of my life that I looked like Wonder Woman ~ Linda Carter.  Not saying that I did or anything, but there was a resemblance- I too am a brunette with blue eyes, so I'm sure that's part of it... you decide.

I know it's not the best picture of me to compare it with Linda Carter/Wonder Woman... but you get the idea  ;) wink, wink. (This is a picture of me in beauty school circa 1982- I can't believe that its been thirty years!)

As I was saying, it's not that I am a Wonder Woman (hee, hee)... I know that I have dealt with depression most, if not all of my life (I can remember dealing with sadness as early as six and seven years old  anyways), I have gone to therapy and been on anti-depressants... 

However I personally feel that I would like to handle this naturally, and have chosen to deal with my issues and get over them. Ha! If only it was as easy as I made it sound.

Oh and by the way... I am not saying that everyone, anyone, you or anyone you know should handle grief, sadness or issues the way I am.  Not a psychiatrist, therapist or anything.  

I read, watch Oprah (hahaha sounds silly but I have learned a lot from her), read some more, talk to my besties and my family, use logic and my faith in God.  Oh and how can I forget, I blog too.

All these things are my tools for healing and living a meaningful life.  A life I will be proud of.  A woman my husband, children, family and friends would be proud of.  

I want to leave my children knowledge, compassion, honesty, integrity, tenderness and love. 

I want to help someone not have to ever feel even one tenth of the pain I have felt in my life.  

I want to help put a smile on someone's heart.

This is why I share my life.

A smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside.
~Denis Waitley

(here's to you finding your...)

 Peace,  

21 days to go...  {I can't believe it, really I can't}  

read about this count down in my "About my Blog" page

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 202 ~ Reaching Out To You

I can't believe it!  My blog has reached a smidgen over 9,000 views!  From coast to coast, with only a hand full of states of which my blog has not been read in, let alone all the different countries all over the world that it has... I am truly humbled.


I thank you so much.  Why?  Well you have given me motivation and incentive to write everyday.  I once received an email from a friend making sure I was okay when she had seen that I had not post to my blog yet.  I either had trouble sharing it on facebook and was so late that day... since then, I have only been late posting to facebook a few times because I had fallen asleep at my laptop before sharing ... oops.  I had been writing from bed and was extremely tired.   


Seriously, the more views I get, the happier I am.  Why? Because this increases the possibilities of being able to reach out to  "someone"  in need.   "Someone"  in need of a friend and or understanding.  A friend that not only can say that they understand what that  "someone"  has gone through, but has gone through it herself.


Well, that's me.


Asking for a lending ear is a hard step to take.  Embarrassment comes into play at the thought of sharing what one is going through... however, once that step is made then it makes it easier for the next step.   Accepting help.  


I know that if "someone" accepts help, it may in itself make "someone" feel as if they are surrendering to the hardship they are going through... but that is not true.  You are not surrendering to it.  What you are doing, is not allowing it to take over you.  By accepting help, you the, "someone" is taking control and taking away the "power" that the so called hardship has over you.


After that, the next step... just keep looking forward!  Look forward, because we can not do anything to change our past.  However, we all know that we can learn from the past.  Then take what we learned, and use it to help us make a better tomorrow for "someone."

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.  ~Mother Teresa (Agnes Gonxha Bojarhiu)

Blessings to all!!

163 days to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent or protect me from the guilty.  (just kidding...wink, wink)

Picture credits... images are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making it My Own.  Copy right laws apply.

Day 193 ~ Helping Others Is An Art

I have come to the realization that helping people is heart wrenching.  It is heart wrenching because you have to sit back and watch them struggle until the day comes that they get that courage, that motivation, that drive to climb out of the hole they have been living in and change their life!

I see my sister today, and I want to scream at my parents!  I feel so bad for her.  Her self esteem is shot, as is her self confidence.  She walks around on eggshells, and has no reason to.

Oh... I am trying to get over what happened yesterday.  Today I decided to be a bit more patient and take a "watch and see" approach.  I am a true believer that actions speak louder than words.  

I do want to make an effort, my sister needs the help.  So, as infuriating as all of this can get, as difficult as it may seem at times, I have to take a breath and look at the big picture.  However, I am not stupid and will not enable anyone.

Boy... helping others takes work!  Sure isn't easy.

The purpose of life is not to be happy - but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all.  ~Leo Rosten

God has not called us to see through each other, but to see each other through.  ~Author Unknown

If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart.  ~Arabian Proverb

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 

...   five rooms plus more

...   four loving dogs

...   three cook books

...   two ceiling fans, 

...   our little girl we call Calley

Blessings to all!!

172 days weeks to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent or protect me from the guilty.  (just kidding... wink, wink)

Picture credits... images courtesy of Bing images.