Day 453 ~ My Dreaded Little Secret...

The first time it happened I had been invited to happy hour with a friend ... when I had accepted the invite I was so gun-ho, and could not wait. 

As the day approached, I started wondering where I was going to get the money.  When I accepted the invite I figured I could afford it.  Honestly, I had even wondered if when my friend invited me if she had "invited" me or we were going to meet up and pay for our perspective tabs.

I can not tell you enough how much I hate that feeling.  Not being able to afford a simple invite... a coffee with a friend... or a cocktail at Happy Hour.  Let alone a present for a special someone's birthday... or return a kind gesture to a friend.

Needless to say, as each day got closer, my stomach started to get tight, get tense and knot up.

What did I do?  The "Friday" finally arrived... I called my friend and cancelled.  I told her I was not feeling well.

Over the summer Calley was invited to her "bestest" little friend's (and her sister's) birthday party. Although a year and a couple of months apart, her friends' parents decided to celebrate both girls birthday together.

Only problem was that it was hard enough {in our budget} for us to buy a gift for some"one", but two?  Now-a-days you can not buy a child a reasonable gift under $20-30 without it falling apart or looking cheap.

As the weeks went by and the days approached to Calley's friends' party... again my stomach started to get tight, get tense and knot up.

What do I do?  Do I let them know?  Do we show up without gifts?  Do I risk people looking at us a certain way and take a chance of Calley not being invited to parties in the future?  What a dilemma!  

What did I do?  Well, the ten days leading up to the party Calley was having "issues".  We were put in a position to tell her if she did not behave she was not going to go to her friends' party.

She didn't make the grade.

A couple of days after the party I received a text from her friends' mom... she was wondering if we were okay and if anything happened... they missed us there.  I went as far as asking when I could call and talk so that I may explain what happened... preparing myself to tell "mom" the truth.

I didn't make the call, but "mom" never text me back to let me know when I could call either.

A few weeks ago I met this really great gal at the "Y"... Calley and her children were in swimming lessons together.  

We hit it off!  She was and is an amazing gal- she's a retired Officer from the Navy, served for fifteen years.  Really impressive!! 

She invited Calley to her son's birthday party this past weekend {at a local family fun arcade/park} and then invited me to a girl's night out.

Well... knowing that our budget was very tight I hesitantly accepted the invite... sure I could have said we were busy... but I stumbled over my thoughts and words, and before I knew it I was saying how great it all sounded.

Honestly... I was somewhat hoping that I could confide in her my dreaded little secret...

... We're broke!

It didn't use to be this way.

It's been a "long row to hoe" for us ... trying to get back on our feet these past four years... and it has not been for a lack of effort either!

My husband works very hard at his job... and after he puts in 8 hours in a day there, he then is helping his parents with any repairs they need and trying to get a business with his brother off the ground.  He has at least twelve hour work days.

So... It's not for a lack of trying.

So tell me... what would you do?

For the most part people who are close to us know our predicament... so ... then end result... we don't get invited to many places... or ... the tab is paid for us.  Not a great feeling.  Not at all.  We're very grateful... but I would rather have money in my pockets and get treated out, than lint in them and get invited.  

Pride?  I don't know if it's pride... but it is a little embarrassing or sad having to explain how Dino lost his "great paying" job four years ago. 

However... I am the first to invite family and friends over to our house [in lieu of] and I will cook up a storm for them.  Somehow we can afford that.  Go figure.  Big smile.

I just don't want people to feel sorry for us.  I want to work as a team with people- anything to help... however I do not want them to pity us.

I don't want people to feel sorry for Calley either.  We do provide for her.  We have a sturdy roof over our heads, our utilities all paid, and even can pay for cable.

Calley's tummy is full... and we have manged to put together a beautiful bedroom for her with a closet full of beautiful dresses.

We cook a lot... we do a lot for our church together... and we do a lot for in-laws and spend a lot of time with them as well.  Not to mention that parks and sunsets are free.

So... do you tell people you can not afford to go?  Do you graciously decline and make up an excuse, tell them you're busy that night?  Do you get a "headache" at the last minute? OR...

Do you tell them your dreaded little secret... your budget will not allow for the expense... you're broke?

Tell me... what do you or would you tell them?  What would you like for me to tell you?  The truth?  Do I risk it?  Will you look at us differently?  

But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ~ 1 Timothy 6:8 (NIV)

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

I am second..

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 205 ~ Out With the Old * A Look Back At 2011

SO here we are... at the end of another year.  As I sit here and look back at the entire year, only one word comes to mind... PHEW!

Seriously now, I am going to say that this year has definitely ended on a great note!!  It may have started out as a continuation of prior years, but at about half way through I made a decision that ended up changing my life forever!  Come with me and take a look see at my "condensed" life in 2011.

As I look back my January started a little rough.  I was still working at my daughter's school and had been put in several uncomfortable situations there.  The staff at the school was awesome, a couple of wrinkles here and there, but all in all I worked with some pretty great people.  Our boss on the other hand... how do they say it in the south with that naughty southern twang... God Bless her.  That is all I will say.

Our February here in El Paso started off in a cold freeze.  Our city shut down, lost power and water due to freezing temperatures.  We were in the teens for several days.  That was a real experience.  Pipes were frozen all over the city causing mayhem at local hardware stores.  Bottle water was no where to be found.  We were lucky there... when it first was starting to dip in temperature, I ran out and bought around six or seven cases.  We were set.

March, April and May went by fast being that I was buried at school.  I was extremely busy with putting out the year book, along with other presentations I had to put together for end of year activities.  And it did not help any that my year at school ended on a sour note due to issues there.  I had made it a rule of thumb not to work for another woman in prior years, what made me think this would end any different. 

Low and behold June came around.  By the time June arrived I was at a very low point, and was looking forward to our trip to Los Angeles at the end of July.  The only thing that had kept my spirits up for the past year when I was down was popping in Julie & Julia in my dvd player. 

The movie had some sort of pull on me.  I think it was the slight connection to Julie, being that I wanted to write a book (for nearly 20 years now) and she wanted to be published.  I know that wanting to write a book and wanting to be published are not exactly alike, however I felt a similarity and a pull.  

This is where unbeknownst to me at the time, I would make a decision that would turn my life around!  I decided to blog.  Although very intimidating at first, I was soothed at the thought that I would commit to doing it for a year as Julie did in the movie.

I had issues.  Unresolved issues.  Many of them.  About forty-eight years worth to be exact.  Not only that but the lack of both my sons' presence in my life has affected me as well.  I thought that by writing my blog I could somehow show my sons (Calley, other family members, and friends too) who I was.  Tell them of our past, my past, explaining who I was so they would know me one day.  At first, as I look back, I started angry.  I was hurt.  

As time went on I started to notice that there started to be a difference in how I was feeling all the way around.  I was getting all this garbage off of my chest, being fair and honest to everyone involved, but I was getting it off my chest!  It was like going to therapy everyday.  There would be a day or two I would unload and then I would feel for elated for the next few days afterwards.

in July I challenged myself to prepare for my 30 year high school reunion by writing My wii Fit Plus 21 Day Challenge where I "extreme" dieted for 21 days. I exercised my butt off and ate healthy for three weeks and blogged about it.  I only wish I would have started it earlier.  Why?  The last week of my diet was the first week of my vacation.  Not a great ending.  I only met half of my goal.


Returning from Los Angeles in August, left me expressing my feelings about where we live, wanting to leave the area within a year.  Yet, through blogging I have also learned to communicate with my husband better.  Don't ask me how, but yes it happen.  In doing so I discovered that my husband loves it here in El Paso.  You see he did not grow up with his father or brothers... and to live here now, a handful of miles away from them... he's happy.  It's a wonderful thing to have a great family.


Following the death of our Nana August 28th, I have grown even more closer to my mom (mother in law) and dad (father in law), let alone my brother in laws... Let's just say that we are not thinking of moving any time soon. (big smile)  I have decided to permanently shelf the idea.  Having a wonderful family can be a negative, just as much as it can be a positive.  I wish I could move and take care of us all!  

This past fall has been a whirlwind.  Our family has undertaken the responsibility of getting Nana's estate taken care of, including the sale of her house and all it's contents.  This in itself was a learning experience.  Let's just say that when it comes to shopping, I always ask myself "Want or Need?"  If it's a need, we will buy the best to be able to pass it down to our children.



Since July, I had not been feeling satisfied about not reaching my goal on My wii Fit Plus 21 Day Challenge.  It prompted me to rethink the whole dieting thing and the fact that I was not in my 20s, let alone 30's and was almost done with my 40s.  I do not have a need for being completely skinny minny, but I do want to feel and look good.  SOOooo, on the first of December I started My LifeStyle ReDesign.  A healthier approach to dieting.  Actually, it's not a diet in itself.  I have to modify the way I live a bit, get on the right track, to be the person I want to be.  Eat and live how I want and look good too.  Body, mind, soul and spirit.  



For the first time in my life, I have gotten to know who I am... and I like myself.  I have forgiven myself for mistakes I have made in my life, as I have even forgiven others as well.  This has been an enriching and enlightening experience.  I am looking forward to see what the next six months has in store for me.

Dean and Grandma Betty ~ March 2004

*** At approximately 3:15 mountain standard time on Saturday December 31st our family's matriarch, Dean's grandmother Betty Karam, became on of Jesus' angels and was reunited with our dear grandfather, her beloved Ted Karam.  God Bless you Grandma.  We will always carry you in our hearts.



2011 is the year I took back my life and am making it my own!  

Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin' until then.
Who cares about the clouds when we're together?
Just sing a song and bring the sunny weather.
Happy trails to you, 'till we meet again.

Some trails are happy ones,
Others are blue.
It's the way you ride the trail that counts,
Here's a happy one for you.

Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin' until then.
Who cares about the clouds when we're together?
Just sing a song and bring the sunny weather.

Happy trails to you, 'till we meet again.

~  Dale Evans Rogers

Blessings to all!!

160 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent or protect me from the guilty.  (just kidding...wink, wink)

Picture credits... first two images are property of Bing images, third property of Sony Pictures and last four are property of Carla Barila Karam, Taking Back My Life - Making It my own, My wii Fit Plus 21 Day Challenge, My LifeStyle ReDesign.  All Copyright Laws apply.

Day 194 ~ Calley IS Christmas!

So far this Christmas season has been the best season in a very long time!  Calley, as you can see, is a enjoying everything Christmas.  We have baked cookies, decorated, wrapped some gifts, put some lights up, baked more cookies, we're learning one new Christmas carol each day, and baking more cookies.  (Big Smile)

I have decided that regardless of the fact that funds are a little tight this season, I was going to make it the best Christmas ever.  And as I take a moment to look around, all I see is the love around me.  Not only that, but I see Christmas.

No, I do not mean in the Christmas tree in the corner, or the garland by the window... what I mean is that I see Christmas flowing out of our hearts and into our lives.

Personally, I strongly feel that it is Calley.  Look at her.  I am seeing Christmas through her eyes and it is absolutely beautiful.  Takes me back to the way I used to see Christmas as a little girl.  

Funny, when we are out and about and we see a Santa out in front of the store, she says, "Mommy, that's Santa's cousin helping down here while Santa works at the North Pole."  I love my Christmas with my Calley girl.  I am truly blessed.

You see, I already have my Christmas gift.  Thank you for allowing me to see what I already have... a family I would not trade for the world!  The family I always wanted.

  

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." ~ Larry Wilde, author 'The Merry Book of Christmas'. 

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 

...   six months of blogging

...   five rooms plus more

...   four loving dogs

...   three cook books

...   two ceiling fans, 

...   our little girl we call Calley

Blessings to all!!

171 days weeks to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent or protect me from the guilty.  (just kidding...wink, wink)

Picture credits... images are property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.

Day 133 ~ Paying Peter or Paul?

So I am writing my post early by comparison to other times, even though I will have it automatically post at around the same time.  Why? ...  Well...

I have found myself without internet at home... talk about withdrawls!!!  So... now I find myself at McDonald's using their wi-fi while Calley plays.  This is almost perfect... I am able to write and Calley is able to rid of some of that overflowing energy she has...  If only... I had half of her energy... although I think I would settle for at least 20% of her energy!  lol!!

SO I find myself here thinking that this is the perfect opportunity to tell you how we ended up in El Paso...

It was early February, of 2008, Calley was sixteen months old, and Dean came home early.  At first I thought what a lovely surprise, but I soon learned that is was the furthest thing from being lovely... he lost his job!

Dean had been working for the same company for nearly twenty-six years, and at this point he had worked into a supervisor position with a company van, excellent medical insurance and a great salary to match.

Well it was all gone!!

Not only has this been a very humbling experience, but I strongly feel that it also has been a blessing in disguise.  After all, Dean did used to leave the house at five in the morning and many times would not get home until well after eight that same evening... never mind that if he worked late, well he came home late(r) as well.

After months of looking for a new job, maxing our credit cards and then tapping into our savings, we decided to move to El Paso.


Why El Paso?  His father's family was here, and a BIG support system for us.  SO we left beautiful Southern California for miles upon miles of beach... without an ocean!


That was three years ago.  We are in a better position than we once were, however it is still a struggle... hence, no internet today.  (big sad face)


Dean has since found a job, yet at one fourth of what he used to make with no benefits, no car, no salary.  But it is an honest job.


We do have plans and goals that we are working towards.  I really hope to get somewhere with my blog, as well as other business endeavors I am working on.  But in the meantime... I continue to steal from Paul to pay Peter, and so forth.


I guess you can say that today Paul finally got pissed off... not to mention that I did too!


This was a very trying day and I was not going to let it get the best of me!!

In order to succeed, you must first be willing to fail.    ~  Anonymous

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect It's successful outcome.    ~ William James 

I believe life is to be lived, not worked, enjoyed, not agonized, loved, not hated.    ~  Leland Bartlett 

 Blessings to all!!

232 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.