Day 192 ~ Life's Curveballs

SO many thoughts going through my mind right now, that it is not even funny!  My thoughts are bouncing off of each other... it's crazy.  The moment I try to process one thought, another one is right behind it taking me in the other direction.

We have Christmas right around the corner, and as I shared last night, I have barely done any shopping.  The big reason is that money is really tight and it might be that Dean has limited work between now and the first week of January.  Ugh!!  

Just as we were getting ahead, BAM!  Little by little, whatever I had saved up... G-O-N-E!  But I have faith that something good is up ahead for us.  I have decided to think that way rather than to focus on the present situation.  I just handle whatever comes our way, and continue to look forward.  SO tired of dwelling on the negative.

Then I have my "special" house guest, my sister.  The jury is still out on this one.  Although, I could say that it's been okay.  It is very difficult to open up and be 100% trusting and loving.  I understand that in order to truly forgive, one must basically let go of the past, in order to move forward and past it all... especially if you want to have a healthy relationship.  However, when there has been as much kaos and havoc as there has been in our lives and relationship with one another... well once you've been burned, you are really careful when you get close to the stove the next time.

Don't get me wrong, I have been giving our relationship a big effort... after all my sister is staying in my home.  And I am trying to teach her about nutrition, exercise and a healthy lifestyle.  I am trying to help my sister.  I feel bad for her... yet, one must keep in mind that whatever she has or does not have is because of decisions she has made.  I am prepared, and will help her... I will however not enable her.

Originally she was to stay until February, operative words being, "originally" and "was".  She found out this evening that she has an appointment just before New Year's that she may not be able to change... she will not find out for sure until tomorrow.  Although by sounds of it all, looks like a definite go.

How do I feel about this?  I really do not know.  Initially, I was very upset in thinking that she is was giving up and reneging on all our plans.  On one hand I don't blame her that she may want to return, yet on the other this is a much healthier environment for her.  Honestly, I can't help it but to think that she wants to go back and this is a perfect out for her.  Well only "time" will honestly dictate if I am right or not, or even if it matters. 

I really thought we would have this time to heal our relationship, and then WHAM-O! she is not here but for four days and something comes up... so much for starting a business or preparing for the future.

I know I am disappointed about the possibilities of things not changing for her or for me.  However, I also have to remember that even though help is offered, that does not mean that it will be welcomed, or taken for that matter.  The "person" in need must want to be helped, and/or want to change things in their life.  We can't force a person to take advise, or to take our help.

One thing is for sure... I tried to help.  I sincerely cared.  That's all I will say right now.  Trying not to get upset.  Just when her self- esteem and self-worth were beginning to show signs of growth.  She was even starting to believe in herself.  (big happy face.)

So as disappointed as I may be to the possible change of plans, I must place my faith in God by leaving my worries in his hands.  I praise you Jesus!

Anything God asks us to do he supplies us with the energy and grace to do.    ~ author unknown   

If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.  ~ 1 Peter 4:11  (NIV) 

On the forth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 

...   four loving dogs

...   three cook books

...   two ceiling fans, 

...   our little girl we call Calley

Blessings to all!!

173 days weeks to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Picture credits... images courtesy of Bing images.

Day 188 ~ It Did Happen!

After  last night's post, I am going to go on the (somewhat) lighter side this evening.  Having to recall years of painful memories triggers some heartache, sometimes making it feel as if it was all happening yesterday.  It takes a lot out of a person.

[Stated in a sarcastic tone.]  I guess that is why it took me a little over four months to continue into part three!

How many parts will there be? you ask.  Well, you want to know something funny?  There is so much drama to my past, that I have no clue how many parts there will be to my "fight."  Maybe a couple two or three more or not.  Maybe I'll just make a point of it and that's it... I'll take it as it comes for right now...who knows?

But what I do know, is that I have to keep in mind that I better tell it quick, a reader's digest version per say... making points of the important lessons, while weeding away non-sense.  Basically hitting the important points... that way there's a better possibility of my connecting with someone who is going at it all alone (or feels alone), someone who may need a friend who can say they sincerely understand.

Okay... now on to ... ta ta Ta da!!!  the announcement of my "special" house guest.  Of my "YES IT DID HAPPEN" special house guest.

This is a person who I have known for over forty-five years, a person who I can not remember when we sincerely had a respectful, honest, trusting relationship.  Hardly ever as adults, that's for sure.  The last time I spoke to this person, before six months ago, was two months after my father's death in March of 2006.  

After I had spoken to this person, I remember regretting being nice to this person at my father's funeral.  Before that, I tried helping this person in 2001, which ended in a very sour situation.  

Then, I vaguely remember that I had what could be considered a brief encounter, being that  I remember very little of it.  Addison, my eldest, was about two, which makes it 1989 more or less.  The years in between 1989 and 2001... A.. I either I did not speak to this person... B.. tolerated this person or... C.. I lived in Seattle, Washington- far away from family drama.

Prior to 1989, I remember being forced to invite this person (and spouse) to my wedding to the father of my sons, in 1986.  Earlier than 1986 it had been five years since I had contact, and before that, well let's just say there were many, many issues that go back to my being nine and having a knife thrown at me by a six year old in a hysterical rage!  

As children, there are few good memories on my end... I strongly feel that I always harbored more resentment, more so because my feelings were generally not validated.  You know... maybe a "sincere," "honest," apology once in a while would have been nice.  and Remember... we were generally played against each other.

What has changed?  Seven to eight months ago I was informed that this person had been hospitalized, almost loosing their life Thanksgiving 2010, four months earlier.  (Imagine being in a hospital and no one wanting to be by your side?)  It took me more or less two months to initiate contact.  Funny, I make it sound sooo mechanical.  

I was guarding my heart, after so many years of fights, arguments, lies, drama, etc... I was apprehensive, with my only extending well wishes for a speedy recovery at first.  

You're probably asking, what's the big deal?  You don't understand... there were many years of, for lack of a better word (and I am not admitting to one what-so-ever) but than "sibling rivalry."  Actually that is not a good description, although that is what our parents chalked it up to being.

However, I do not see it as that.  After many conversations, hours upon hours, upon hours of telephone conversations and countless correspondence, as well as my many years of experience as a wife, mother and countless hours of therapy... I have come to the conclusion that our parents were too busy trying to get even, lie about one another, as well as use their children as pawns in their "love to hate" game against each other!

And by now... you may have probably guessed it... my "special" house guest is my sister!  Again, some may think it is not a big deal, and that I may have made something out of nothing... YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!  THIS IS REALLY BIG!!  To not only invite my sister, but to have her stay in my home, or even talking to her and getting along... WITH ALL CARDS ON THE TABLE... THIS IS HUGE!!

We'll see where this goes... what I would like?  Well, I would like to have a sister in my life for the first time ever!  One who I can count on and trust.  But first thing is first, help her re-cooperate from her surgery a year ago November.  

I just want to say that forgiving is not an easy task, I think the hardest step was taking the first one ... and that was swallowing a little pride and admitting a little responsibility (just a little.) ~ wink, wink. 

I am not saying that all honky dorry and all better... but after literally having witnessed death nearly four months ago, having almost lost my sister (which this has done her a lot of good as well as- a somewhat humbling experience I'd say) thirteen months ago, and my getting close to the big five-O... well this has been a humbling experience in learning to let go... and why not give it another shot, after all she is my sister and I'd hate to see her die alone.  

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.   ~ Matthew 6:14-15

The week can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.  ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Sisters are different flowers from the same garden.  ~Author Unknown

Blessings to all!!

177 days to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Picture credits... images courtesy of Bing images.

Day 186 ~ It Will Happen!

Calley my li'l helper,
always on my left 

I feel very blessed that I have Dean and Calley in my life.  I feel blessed that each day gives me the opportunity to show them how much I love them.  Sure I tell them as often as I can that I love them... but what better way to tell your family that you love them than by cleaning their home, doing their laundry, making cookies, and preparing their meals.

I'd say they mean the world to me!  Especially, when I can eventually sit back and admire the fruits of my labor.  (wink, wink)

For as much as I am trying to hold back, I am starting to get excited because I will be having house-guest come stay for the holidays, and then some.  It's not that I do not want to tell you who it is... it is just that I am afraid that if I do tell you, it may not happen.

I know this sounds so weird.  Unfortunately, when it comes to things in my life that I really want to happen and... whether (insert sarcastic tone now) "I put it out there" or not something seems to happen... something spoils it.  After all my "house-guest" has been promising to visit for some time now, and if it wasn't for one thing, it was another, why the visit has not yet happen!  HOWEVER...  Things seem to happen for a reason.  (wink, wink)

The last six months of my life... my life seems to have started to turn around for me.  Either that, or I am just looking at it in a more positive light.  So with that in mind... I am going to allow myself to get a little excited... still holding back the name of my "house guest" as a surprise for all.  A surprise for myself included, because then i can blog about it! ...and it will get interesting!   (wink, wink- hopefully I have not "winked" at you to death!  LOL!) 

courtesy of Bing images

So keeping the last paragraph in mind... in preparation for the possibility of a "future" house-guest... I have been working on my home for the last couple of months- painting, replacing light fixtures, completing small unfinished projects and what not... and in the past week, I have really started cleaning my home from top to bottom, and now with the last minute chores to do and the finishing touches to put in place in the next thirty-eight hours... I am hoping that everything will be just right for my special "house guest."  Keeping in mind that if something does not go the way "I planned it"... it will be okay!   (I am trying to deal with control issues, lol!)


Be careful what you "will" for.  I hope I do not regret this ever.

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:  the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.  ~Burton Hillis

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.  ~W.T. Ellis 

Blessings to all!!

179 days to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.