Saturday, October 15, 2011

Day 129 ~ And The Forgiveness Continues...

Buried machinery in a barn lot;
Dallas, South Dakota, May 1936
photo borrowed  from wikipedia
It wasn't until my day was over today and the dust cleared, that finally my thoughts were on something else other than a "garage sale"...  when the time finally came for me to sit down and write tonight's post, I realized that after months upon months of procrastinating, that I finally decided to  forgive myself yesterday.

When I sat back and thought about it, and what all this meant, that is... I realized that most of my forgiving, in one way or another, had something to do with my sons.  I do not want to belittle, dismiss or excuse the fact that they are upset or what they must be feeling...

(As a side note...) Not to keep you in the dark... I know that I have not gotten back to "my story," (or maybe we can refer to it as "my experience") concerning the fight for my children, which I started writing about in my posts  Day 62 and Day 63.  To be very honest with you... if I really think about it, I think I have procrastinated because of the difficulty of remembering it all... re-living the experience.   It was not the best time in my life, you know. 

Quite frankly, as I take a look at the fact that I first wrote about this "experience" and now... well, go ahead and say it... "I really have procrastinated on the matter."  Give me a few days or so to get my "goat going" (wink, wink) american idiom.  Get my courage up sort of speak.

Anyways, as I was saying, and the point to this post is that even though my sons do not respond to my messages, (which only leads me to believe that they are mad at me,) will not communicate with me as to why exactly they are mad at me... well, I can not beat myself up about it anymore.  I will add that I will take responsibility for my own actions and know all the effort I have always put forth and will continue to do so.  

I have made many attempts to talk to them, communicate with them in a healthy way.  Have left them countless upon countless messages... (I am embarrassed to admit that I even got all psycho with the phone calls one night when I received disrespect from one of my sons)... and nothing.

Not even a call to their little sister on her birthday.  What fault is this of hers?

Bottom line... I can not be mad at myself or punish myself, any longer, when I have made many attempts for a healthy relationship.  Honestly, the ball is in their court.  They choose to believe lies and the negativity which has been imposed onto them by their father... as opposed to them making their own decisions and opinions for themselves.  

What I am trying to say is that... both of my sons need to hear what I have to say, especially since they have been listening to one sided views for all these years and basing their judgment upon me on the lies that have been drilled into their minds for so many years.

Although all of this pains me so... not having my sons in my life, let alone their sister's life; missing all of this time with them and the  memories that go with life; and especially the way they are handling all of this... I forgive them.  I do... and will do so seventy times seven times.

After all, I must keep in mind that this it is not entirely their fault.  It is not their fault that their father thinks so little of himself that he had to bully the mother of his children, as well as alienate their relationship with her.  I do not know why he chose to be so hateful and hurtful.  Maybe it was the beating that he received when he was jumped by all those boys back in junior high or the lack of a father around.  I don't know... however, I almost feel sorry for him.  To think of the lack of self-love and respect he must have for himself, that he thinks so low of himself that he would have to go to such measures to make himself feel good, or like a "big man."

With all that said... I have decided to forgive him as well.  Not only that, but I will also continue to ask God to help me forgive him so that I may live peacefully.

I do want to add that just because I have decided to forgive the father of my sons, that this does not mean that I will not finish sharing my experience with him...  after all, I must share with you in order to be able to help you.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.    ~ Mahatma Gandhi

You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.  ~ Author Unknown

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  ~ Matthew 6:14-15 

Blessings to all!!

236 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

1 comment:

laruzzia said...

Carla, You are a great mother!!! And don't EVER forget that!!Your son's father just might never realize the damage he has done, but you, on the other hand,will be there next to them, helping them pick up all the broken pieces he has caused, because, YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER and soon enough they will know and be by our side. your awesome, you know exactly what to say and when to say it. That is what your teaching me so I can just imagine what you tought the boys.....they WILL come around!!!