Monday, August 8, 2011

Day 61 ~ If Not For The Heartbreaks... I Would Not Be Who I Am

Today I had my sons on my mind all day... which leads to heart break each and every time.  Why?  Well, because when I think of my boys... I call them, leave a message for one son... and the other son... well he has my number blocked- I can't leave a message at all.

Of course, I don't sop there... I text them that I love them and then hope for some kind of response... and this is where the heart break comes in... I get nothing, no response, no call back... nothing.  (big sad face)

February 1994 ~ Seattle, Washington
I've said it before... I know that I can't do anything, other than give it to the Lord.  I can't worry about them and I am certainly done being in "fetal" position.  I have to focus on myself and my family, and continue to have faith that one day they will come back to me.

As all these feelings were happening today, I received a message from my friend Alysia... boy my heart goes out to her!! Why?  Well, she is just now starting the fight for her children against her own nightmare of an ex-husband.  Something, that I have been trying to get over for the past eighteen years.

She is a little ahead of the game... at least her "ex" has not teamed up with a "new" wife, only to accuse her of ugliness acts against her children... be as it may, the entire experience is still very trying.  

There is such ugly behavior when there is a divorce! either by both or at least one of the parties involved.  I really wish people would not only think twice before getting married, but they should think three times before having children, and four times before they go through a divorce and use the children as "pawns", just as they would be used in a chess game.  The only losers here are our children!  There aren't any winners!

It is very easy for me to tell Alysia to stay strong, not to show weakness, and to fight for her children.  What's not easy is going through the divorce, accusations, and the heartbreak it brings... the thoughts... "where did I go wrong?" or "what did I ever see in him?"... then not to mention the heartbreak once the dust settles and all you see is the remnants of a broken heart and a broken family... Then God forbid if you ever hear one of your children say to you..."why didn't you fight harder for me!?"  That is a HEART WRENCHER!!

I am still being positive and moving forward.  I am still motivated to make a wonderful life for me and for my children... HOWEVER... that does not mean that all the PAIN goes away!  ...  Honestly, right now, it feels as if it will never go away.

BUT... I will not let the pain slow me down.  I will use this pain to make me stronger, make me a better person... and I pray to God that this pain will allow me to help Alysia and maybe someone else and make it a little less painful for them.  They aren't alone!

Afterall... they too will be part of my "Dream Team" and I will be part of theirs!

I am committed to being a devoted and loyal friend. 
I forgive myself for any and all past mistakes.
I see each part of my life as a lesson. 

Blessings to all!!

304 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

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