Day 237 ~ I Forgave Him Because I Had To

ON OFF ON OFF ON OFF... I have literally been staring at a blinking cursor for the last two hours.  I have been sitting in a trans just thinking about my sons.  They are grown up.  24, and in twenty-three days my youngest of my two will be 21.  Boy do I miss them.  

It's been a while since I have reminisced about my boys of when they were little.  We were inseparable up until my eldest son turned six.  Breaks my heart to even think about the years we struggled to be together, while their father manipulated and calculated ... that's when all hell broke loose in my marriage to their father.  That's all I'll say right now.  Ouch.  Still is very painful, even after all this time.

I forgave myself a long time ago for my part in it all.  I do want to say, that even though I hate what their father did to me and I rip on "that" marriage, I did love that man once.  I was in love with him.

There were good times... and then there were bad times.  Regardless, I took our marriage serious and was true to him, and our marriage until the end.  There's so much a person can take.

My funny Valentine'  ~ February 1994

There were many things that went wrong with it... but when trust went out the window, that was it.  We both failed.  Sad thing is that we failed our sons above all.  He failed for keeping them from their mother.  I failed for allowing it all to happen.

Never the less... that marriage ended December of 1993, eighteen years ago and "that" man still can't let it go.  He has never encouraged a relationship between my sons and me... actually quite the opposite.  


It may seem as if I can not let it go, not true.  I let go a long time ago.  I wished him happiness a long time ago.  I had to start my life over again, a long time ago.  I found new love, a long time ago.  

I am not writing this to bash him.  After all he is the father of my sons.  But, that is where is stops.  I no longer consider him (and this will be the one and only time you will hear me say it) "my ex-husband".  That will be the last time you read that in print.  He is nothing to "me" now.  I forgave him, because I had to as a good Christian and that's it.  I know I am being harsh or hostile toward him, and that in itself is not Christian... but I am working on it.  

Nevertheless, I miss my sons so much.   The past is the past, and must remain there.  We can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow?  Well tomorrow, I will always be here for you.  and... Tomorrow will be awesome!  


I trust in you God.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  John 15:7 (NIV)

Blessings to all!!

128 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Image(s) courtesy of google images.

Day 236 ~ Paying It Forward

My day started no different from any other, grabbing my tea, getting Calley all set with her breakfast, and then off to check my daily email and such.  

My "and such" consists of checking facebook and my blogs for comments.  Having said that, today's facebook messages were quite inspiring.  After reading what all my friends had to say, I sincerely felt blessed.  

I feel so blessed to have such insightful friends.  Friends, who are no different than me, that find comfort and motivation through words.  Thank you.

Needless to say... I had a fantabulous day!  Sooo... I would like to pass those same words that inspired my day... that gave me an "AHA!" moment... that made me feel so wonderful onto you, in hopes that your tomorrow will be as wonderful as my today was.

I believe everything happens for a reason!  People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right.  You believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no on but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together.  ~  Marilyn Monroe

The struggles you are facing today is developing in you the strength you will need tomorrow.  ~ unknown author

Release from within you all bitterness and resentment.  Affirm that you are totally willing to freely forgive everyone.  If you think of anyone who may have harmed you in any way at any point in your life, you now bless them with love and release them.  Dissolving resentment is highly important.  Trust yourself.  You are safe.  You are motivated by love.  ~ Louise L Hay

You can sit there forever. lamenting about how bad you've been, feeling guilty until you die, and not one tiny slice of that guilt will do anything to change a single thing in the past.  Forgive yourself, then move on.  ~ Dr. Wayne W Dyer

Respect is earned, Honesty is appreciated, Trust is gained, and Loyalty is returned.  ~ unknown author

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.  ~ William Gibson

No matter how good or bad you think life is, wake up each day and be thankful for life.  Someone somewhere else is fighting to survive.  ~ author unknown

You can live in the past and may be miserable.  Or, you can live in the now and make it better than it ever was.  ~ Billie Jean King

Let God work on those around you, our task is to work on ourselves.  ~ Mark Brown

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.  ~ Wayne Dyer 

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  ~ John 3:16 (NIV)

Blessings to all!!

129 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Image(s) courtesy of google images.

Day 235 ... My Brain & Jell-O

Well, with all this talk about social networks, internet censorship and the new lifestyle it is creating... I am exhausted!

You find yourself checking scores, ratings, views, and then there's real life (rl).  With all this real virtual life going on, I think I need a vacation!  LOL!  

Seriously, my mind is like a steady hum if you understand where I am coming from.  The strange thing is that I am actually looking forward to ironing tomorrow!  Which is even funnier that anything I have heard lately, because I hate doing so (but I love my clothes looking pressed.)  

Ok... I am starting to think that I am babbling at this point.  

After the long battle of I am not sleepy right now, I can finally say that Calley is fast asleep.  It's so funny... she will think of anything to get up.  From I think I didn't brush my teeth, when we both know very well she just finished doing so fifteen minutes earlier... to... did we eat dinner?... 

Boy, Calley just had me in stitches tonight...  after an hour of sparring back and forth, she is finally down for the count!

Did you hear that?  What?  Exactly...!  Nothing...!  Calley is asleep...!  and now I miss her.  what am I crazy?  Probably.  just kidding.  

No... but seriously... I think all this social networking really has my brain feeling like a bowl of jell-o.  

It's time consuming, life changing, life consuming... and I think I will call it a night tonight and take a little time for my real life... and kiss me little girl good night again.  big smile.

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."  ~ author unknown

Blessings to all!!

130 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images courtesy of google images.

Day 234 ~ tweet, approve, like, follow, hop..a sequel

When people walk away from you, let them go.  Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people.  It just means that their part in your story is over.  ~ T.D. Jakes

While doing my social network roll call this morning, which now has officially become my normal morning routine, I was perusing all the insightful and more times than not, hysterical comments my friends make... and I came across the above quote. 

After reading the quote above... well let's just say it left me dumbfounded.  Actually the quote kept replaying over and over in my head, my entire day.  It left me wondering, actually pondering about all the people who have left me.

I thought about how those people once were such a part of my life.. how they touched my life... then how they left... or in some cases, I would not say that they actually left.. maybe more like our paths forked off in different directions.   you know... We grow up.  Some of us venture off to college, while others decided to travel, and some of us married young and moved... etc...  We grew up.

Then there are the other people, or rather friends, that enter our lives when we are adults.  Some of us get a job transfer and move, others marry and move, and some divorce and move.  Whatever the case... Once again our paths veer off in different directions.

My first friend... my sissy Aleah!  ;)
 I blame her for all of this!  lol!

Which brings me back to my new found addiction... social networking (SN).  A shared addiction amongst most of us bloggers, and anyone else who depends on the internet to get their message out.  

Facebook started it all for me, as I am sure for most of you as well.  It was my sister in law, Aleah, (who is 19 years my junior ~ in other words, much "hip-per" than me,) who first told me about Facebook... I registered my email with Facebook back on December 6, 2007.  [Fourteen months earlier Facebook had just opened to everyone with an email address on September 26, 2006]  


Holy cow!  It just dawned on me that it's been FOUR years since the day I clicked "I accept" to fb!  lmao! 

If I really think about this... four years ago my life was changed for the better, unbeknownst to me at the time... it changed and a new world opened up to me.  When I first signed on and for about another year after that more or less, there weren't many people on.~  I had about 33 friends up until February of 2009... then all of a sudden it was like Facebook went through and explosion!  The word really spread!  Within a months time I added over 130 friends.  Today, I have well over three hundred. 

Why am I telling you all this?  Well my darlin's.. the point I am trying to make...some of those people who left my life [for whatever reason] back then, are now back in my life again ... continuing with a new chapter in my story! 

Somehow the part of my story I share with you in tonight's post, is now part of the legacy I leave to my children [in this blog]... which tells the story of how their mother became addicted to her other world on the internet.  wink, wink.

All of this (as I wave my hand at my laptop's screen- which by the way has like ten windows open for each one of my vices, bwahahaha! lol!) is not just about FACEBOOK... 

It's about reaching being able to reach out and Skype (oh yeah , got one of those too!) to see how my sons are doing in Washington, when I am in Texas... or chatting with a friend I haven't seen since junior high (yes! back in my day it was Jr. High... Not this "middle school" sissy stuff!  LOL!!  another attempt at humor folks!)... or ... how about this one... exchanging knowledge with a new friend in Canada, or Asia, even across the pond in England or down under in Australia.  


If there was censorship, I would not be able to laugh and share  freely with a SN friend about our mutual  SN addiction.  If it takes me a solid two hours to respond to all my SN friends, and read posts, write posts, comment on posts, suggest posts, tweet, approve, forward, send, like, follow, hop... HOLY COW!  dizzy again!  I can only imagine how long it takes a seasoned blogger!  wink, wink.

Sure wish the internet would have been around back when my grandmother was alive... would have been great to communicate with her in Buenos Aires.  Back then it was strictly first class snail mail.. and you had better not take the chance of sending pictures or anything of value- (you took a big chance of the mail being intercepted.)  My family and I would give mail and small, small items to an airline pilot friend of the family.  Once in Argentina, our pilot friend would then forward the items to my grandmother and the rest of the family

So... I write another night, giving thanks to those who take part and contribute in providing us with the wonderful World Wide Web!  The freedom we have to be able to share whatever it is that our mind can imagine...  what a wonderful freedom!

[I am now standing, as I bend at my waist I wave both my arms up and down...] 

I am not worthy... I am not worthy!   (Yes I am worthy... you know what I mean)

wink, wink

One can never talk too much about censorship, or rather the stupids laws our US government are trying to pass.

Let's continue to be aware, stand up for our freedom of speech and tell the government...

Write congress now... it's as simple as clicking here.   

Blessings to all!!

131 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images courtesy of Facebook and my profile, Carla Barila Karam.  Copyright laws apply.

Day 233 ~ My Other World

Talk about procrastination... I all but had to pull my teeth out to sit down and write my post tonight.  I think that all these thoughts going no where in my head aren't helping my situation right now either. 

Quite frankly, now that I think about it, I am surprised that I have not complained all week.  lol  Thing is, I have been sick all week... nasty cold, cough etc..  But I've stuck it out... and even if I'm dragging my butt right now, I am getting 'er done!  wink, wink.

It's been an interesting week at that.  Between being sick, missing my exercise classes (sad face,) Calley missing her gymnastics... I've learned a lot about social networking.

Ai ya yai  Having come across and taken the plunge, I have "discovered" new worlds within Klout, stumble upon, pintrest, triberr, and my absolute favorite voiceBoks, and then there's facebook, twitter, google+, bloggers, as well as other blogging social networks I have become affiliated with like social media girlfriend, bloggy moms, SITS girls, and blogher social networks to mention a few... Lord knows what others I have missed at this point ... MY HEAD IS SPINNING!!!  and I didn't even mention checking my emails and posting on my blog. 

By the way, please feel free to click on any of the links on the aforementioned networks if you would like to add me as a friend and or follow me.s!

Holy cannoli!  It's almost a full time job just to get my blogs exposed to the world, so they can be read!  Help me Jesus!  lol!!

No, but seriously... what is going on!  and the crazy thing is that I have an account with each and everyone one of them!  Holy crap! 

The crazier thing is that I am loving it!  I have met some quality people.  Honest to goodness, good people.  People with intelligence, talent and something to teach, something to say.  Passing off advice, sharing stories, teaching and helping others.  Not to mention the peer to peer support!  Some great people have my back out there!  

How amazing!

I could never imagine my world without it!  

What started out being a simple post tonight, has ended up pointing out the amazing other world we have accessible at our fingertips.  The fact that I have friends all over the world... [and quite honestly, I can't say that I would have them without the internet]... Is just amazing to me!!  

I am opposed to any censorship of any kind.

                             




stop censorship 

Blessings to all!!

132 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images courtesy of Bing images.

Day 232 ~ Choosing Your Battles

Back on the lighter side of life... well lighter that yesterday's subject anyway... marriage.

Yes I said  m-a-r-r-i-a-g-e.  I know and realize that for some, this may not be a lighter subject.  Could be a sore subject at that.  I know there was a day that I used to feel this way... many, many, many moons ago (first marriage).  Almost seems like a lifetime ago... geez, it was a lifetime ago!   

My first marriage was so... so militant.  Strict, could be another word.  Quite uneasy at times, and always under the gun.  Each day at about quarter to five in the evening, I would stop what I was doing and would rush to pick up the house.  Otherwise, hell was sure to break loose.

Don't get me wrong, I loved having a clean house.  My house was clean, believe me is was.  But no matter what, something would always stand out and not meet "his" standards.  

I have always been of the thought "there's a place for everything and everything has its place".  However, "he" took it took a whole new level.  

Venice, California

Fast forward to today.  

Today, I am married to my best friend.  I have never felt so at ease with anyone in my life.  Never at a loss for words.  No need to sensor myself.  There isn't a moment in the day that I do not feel that I can not be myself around Dean.

You guessed it!  Dean is the complete polar opposite of "him".  Dino, as I lovingly call him, is so laid back.  If anything, I find myself being too orderly around him.  Needless to say, that with the years together, I have toned it down quite a bit.  Even so, I still love a clean house. 

With all that said, there are days that I wonder why my wonderful husband can't put the bread back, or actually make the hamper once in a while.  My life is not as orderly as it used to be, but having lived and seen the "dark side" ... I would not have it any other way.

March 22, 2003  ~  Malibu, California

After eleven years, of which we have been married for nearly nine years, I have almost mastered the art of "choosing my battles".  Instead of getting upset each and every time something is not put away, I may make a crack about it on the tenth time or so.  

In recent years, I have taken a page out of my mother-in-law's life... just take care of it.  After all she is living with three, YES THREE men... my father-in-law and my two brother-in-laws... and she wholeheartedly takes care of all three of them without a complaint.  That's three men she is picking up after and taking care of.  I once commented to her that both my brother-in-laws were old enough to make their own beds, sorry guys.  Mom explained to me that the boys do so much for her and dad, that that's the least she could do.  Enough said.  Understood.

After some thought, you can say that I have it easy.  Especially since Calley, our five year little girl, loves taking care of her daddy too.  She really is starting to be a BIG help around the house.

My husband comes home to Calley and me every night, he is honest and caring, a hard worker with integrity and a sense of humor that doesn't stop.  He is my best friend and the love of my life.  He has always brought out the best in me.  I wouldn't trade him for the world!

So, when I see the mayonnaise left out or Dino forgot to take the trash out... I snicker and put the mayo in the fridge and I take the trash out myself.  I pick my battles.

You see there are worse things to fight about.  

A happy wife, is a happy life.  ~ many attributions for this quote

A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.  ~ author unknown 

We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck.  But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.  ~ Ellen Goodman

Blessings to all!!

133 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images belong to Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own, and are protected by US Copyright Laws.

Day 231 ~ God's Children

I shared early on in my blogging, about my experiences with school bullies back on Day 7.  (link provided for your reading pleasure, if you like.  wink, wink)  Funny, now that I think about it ... I have not given it a second thought since I released all those memories in a balloon that day.   

Come to think about it, most of my bad experiences which I have shared and placed a balloon... haven't thought about them.  That's right.  I told myself to forget the bad experiences once I let them go, and I more or less did.  

Note to self... remember to really thank Aleah for that analogy... for some reason it made sense.  Thanks Als!

Back to what I started to share with you... I hadn't thought about those "bullies" in school, until yesterday.  Yes, you guessed it... we watched another movie!  (only so much you can watch with a sick five year old)   

Even though Calley is only five, I thought it was good subject matter to discuss.  So... we watched Cyberbully, on Netflix (We have Netflix through our wii ~ too cool, gotta love it!), which I think may have been originally an after school special on tv. (evident from the badly edited pauses in the movie for a commercial break. lol!)  Actually, Calley was either coloring or playing most of the movie. 

I want to preface my thoughts by saying, that I highly recommend for all parents to watch this with all their computer using school aged children, followed by a family discussion afterwards.  Warning:  There is some not nice name calling, and maybe some of you may want to watch the movie without your young children first to be prepared, and then decide for yourselves what you share.  Regardless, a family discussion on "bullying" need not a movie to preface.

I know first hand that bullying is mean.  Bullies say mean, ugly, hurtful words.  It is real.  I wanted Calley to see some of it.  It starts at a young age too.  So when I saw something that Calley could relate to, I would call it to her attention.  Explaining to her that if someone is mean to her, that she needs to tell mommy or daddy.  Even going further telling her that she can also go to her grandparents or uncles, if that makes her feel comfortable.  

I wanted Calley to know and understand that she has a huge (Christian) support system within her family.  That she has a family that loves her and wants her to be safe.  A family that is never too busy to listen (a great point to stress), and will always be there for here.  

I'll be honest with you, at first I thought this was going to be too heavy of a subject, yet I decided I would watch and pull her in when deemed.  Worse thing would be that she would get bored and go play.  Well, guess what.  Calley may have been playing during most of the movie, but she did take notice to kids being mean.  She did ask questions... there was the use of the word "slut" a few times (it was written), but she was clueless to it.  Although one of the girls called another one a "bitch", I jumped in and said, "wasn't that mean that the girl called her friend a "witch?"  One word... smoothe!  Calley... Not a clue.  

I know this movie was more about cyber-bullying, however a bully is a bully, period.  

Do not get me wrong, cyber-bullying is a little more intense.  After all this is on the WORLD WIDE WEB for the ENTIRE WORLD TO SEE!  Not like in my day, where I could go home to get away from it all.

Today there are 48 states with anti cyber bullying laws, with Georgia being the first state to   have the laws back 1999.  I was also surprised to learn of all the sites available on the subject, here are a few.  www.bullypolice.org , socialsafety.org , and there's even a cyber bullying research center.

Bullying has now gone to an entirely new level with the internet.  As a former computer teacher, I could not stress it enough to my students about safety on the internet.  As well as teaching them internet etiquette.  I even taught them to always give their parents their passwords.  Your welcome. wink, wink.

Please take a moment to sit with your family about this serious matter.  Some of our children are not strong enough on their own to handle bullying.  Some of our children have taken their lives because some mean kid has made them feel like they did not want or deserve to live anymore.  

As parents we love our children and want to keep our children out of harm's way.  Please check on them often when they are on the computer and on the internet.  Keep a list of their passwords.  NO password.  No use of computer.  Simple.  

It is our responsibility to keep our children safe, and discussing this serious issue is one way to do so.  Who knows your children may share something with you that you never expected.  

Lets teach our children, to love and respect one another's differences.  To learn, understand and embrace those differences.  

After all we are all God's children.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  ~James 4:10 (NIV)

Blessings to all!!

134 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images are courtesy of Bing images

Day 230 ~ Despicable Who?

Yes another movie day here in the Karam household.  Let me make something perfectly clear... under "healthy" conditions, we do not make it a habit of watching movies on a daily basis.  However, in the last couple of day Calley and I have a had a "bug" of some sorts.  Perhaps a really bad cold... a really, really bad one... that knocked us both on our tushies!


I must admit, that I really do like it when Calley is sick.  Isn't that horrible?!  Let me explain... please...  When Calley is sick, she is very klingy (not too crazy about this- because I can't move half the time,) and her energy level goes down to two or so, out of ten.  That is what I like!! I can actually keep up with her and am not exhausted when it's all said and done.


So, two movie days in a row is fine by me.  I look at Calley, and then look back at all the movie nights Addison, Logan and I had.  We used to have so much fun on movie nights!  So much action, so much gore, so much sillyness.  Now... I am lucky to get them on the phone, and that's if I even get them on the phone.


Not all is lost.  The only difference now is... I get to watch girlie movies with my Calley!  Today's movie...  Universal Picture's Despicable Me.  Loved it!!  Calley was glued to the tv!  Not a word.  Not a sound.  Barely a blink of an eye!  I guess you could say that Calley loved the movie, especially since she asked to see it again.  Back to back!  She is more like her brothers than she realizes it.

Love is... watching movies over & over again with your children, even if it means being bored.

Love is... taking a nap with your little girl when you both feel yucky.

Love is... kissing your child's boo boo when there is nothing there.  

The milestones keep on happening!  11,000 views!!  Woo Hoo!!  That was quick!  Thank you for reading about my antics!


Blessings to all!!

135 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images are courtesy of Bing images and Universal Pictures.

Day 229 ~ A Li'l Elbow Grease Goes a Long Way

Last night I watched an intense movie, which sent my mind traveling... Today, children's movies.  Nothing like a good dose of Sleeping Beauty and Jungle Book for the soul.

Yesterday's movie sent me into fantasy land.  Wondering and thinking what could have been if some of the decisions in my life were made differently.  You know... all the would have, could have and should haves.  If I would have decided this... I could have done that... and it should been like this.

We can all second guess ourselves for the rest of our lives... what do we accomplish?  All we accomplish is the uncertainties of our decisions.

I decided a long, long time ago that I stand by my decisions.  Let me put it to you this way.  When I want something... I get it!  There is no question about it.  When I set my sights on something, I do not stop until I accomplish it.

So... do I regret any decisions I have made? NO.  No, I do not.  I stand by all my decisions, good and bad.  Once my decisions are made, there's no looking back... only forward.

Now, what did I get from watching Sleeping Beauty and The Jungle Book?  Boy, if only we were assigned to watch children's movies as adults, before having children.  The messages in these movies are so simple and sweet.  

Be true to yourselves and follow your dreams. Not to mention that the evil witch always looses.  

Okay so in real life, dreams take a little longer to come true.  However, I would like to think that with a little elbow grease anything is possible... even beating the evil witch!

Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope.  ~Unknown 

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.  ~Walt Disney

 Blessings to all!!

136 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images are courtesy of Bing images and Walt Disney and his studios.

Day 228 ~ I Wouldn't Change A Thing

What would you do?  Where would you go?

I just finished watching this pretty intense movie.  I started writing about it, however any way I looked at it I was going to spoil the outcome for you.  For the purpose of this post, the title is irrelevant.  

As I watched the movie, I learned that there was a little time travel involved.  Where one of the main characters went back to his childhood to correct some wrongdoings done against him, before they happened.  So his young self would always be happy.

Well, as any other normal human being I started thinking about...

What would I do?  Where would I go?  What year?  What would I correct?

Boy... this really made me go hmmmm...  for a while too.

After plenty of pondering... I may tweek a few of things here and there.. yet, all in all ... I would not change a thing.  

I know I could have made a few decisions differently... yet even so, I do not want to mess with the good Lord intended!  With what I am a part of today.  Leave well enough alone.

I am who I am.  I am a good person.  I do my best each day, and I love my family like there's no tomorrow.

I wouldn't change a thing.

A simple grateful thought turned heavenwards is the most perfect prayer.  ~Doris Lessing 

Blessings to all!!

137 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images are courtesy of Bing images.